Behind the Mask
What Our Coping Styles Reveal About Childhood Trauma
We tend to think of trauma as event-based, a moment in time. But trauma is often not what happens to us. It's what we learn to do to survive it.
Look closer at the archetypes we create in our children. The Overachiever, the Caretaker, the Rebel. These are emotional blueprints. Each persona tells a story not of personality, but of adaptation.
"Children don’t get traumatised because they’re hurt. They get traumatised because they’re alone with the hurt."- Dr. Gabor Maté
In neuroscience, this distinction matters. The developing brain interprets repeated emotional neglect or unpredictability as threat, even in the absence of overt abuse. This is known as toxic stress and as Harvard’s Centre on the Developing Child explains, it disrupts the architecture of the brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making) and the amygdala (our emotional alarm system).
The Science of Survival
Research by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) shows that childhood trauma often leads to dysregulation in the nervous system, meaning the child is always scanning for danger. Over time, this hypervigilance calcifies into behavioural patterns like people-pleasing, perfectionism or rebellion.
This is not a disorder. It’s a strategy.
In her work on emotional identity and trauma, Dr. Thema Bryant, psychologist and ordained minister, reminds us
“What looks like a character flaw is often just a deeply intelligent survival response.”
Similarly, Dr. Joy DeGruy, author of Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, expands our understanding of trauma by placing it in a historical and racial context. She explains that many coping behaviours in Black communities, like silence, stoicism, overachievement are rooted in generational trauma and the need for safety in oppressive systems.
“My whole life was a fight. I was born fighting and the thing is, I didn’t know I was in a fight. I thought everyone lived the way I did. Running from rats, hunger, abuse, shame. But when I saw other people’s lives, I realised survival made me excellent. Not because I wanted to be the best. But because I never wanted to go back.”— Viola Davis, Finding Me
What These Coping Archetypes Reveal
Each archetype is not just a personality quirk, it’s an echo. A whisper from childhood.
The Overachiever may have equated worth with performance after emotional neglect or harsh criticism.
The Caretaker likely learned early that love is earned through fixing others.
The Escapist might have used dissociation to survive environments of instability.
The Silent One often absorbed the message that speaking up was dangerous or futile.
High skills in adulthood can sometimes mask deep wounds from childhood. The Silent One scores 63% in skills, not because they thrived emotionally, but because they had to become hyper-functional to survive emotionally unavailable environments.
What Parents Need to Look Out For
Parents and caregivers must shift from asking “What’s wrong with my child?” to “What happened or didn’t happen, for my child?”
Look for:
Extreme perfectionism or fear of failure
Over-apologising or chronic guilt
Emotional detachment or avoidance
Chronic anxiety masked as ambition
The “good child” who never asks for help
Difficulty expressing needs or feelings
Aggression or defiance that masks shame
These are not flaws. These are flares.
5 Steps Toward Healing and Support
Name It Without Shame
Start conversations that validate emotional experiences. Replace “why are you like this?” with “I see you’ve been carrying this for a long time.”
Create Safe Spaces for Vulnerability
Children (and adults) heal when they feel emotionally safe. Consistency, empathy and presence are more powerful than perfection.
Use Trauma-Informed Language and Practices
Work with schools, youth workers and therapists who understand trauma’s impact on behaviour. Programmes by Healing Justice London are great starting points.
Model Emotional Regulation
Parents must model the habits they want children to learn, naming feelings, breathing through conflict, apologissng and repairing.
Normalise Therapy, Mentorship and Support
Healing isn't linear. It takes culturally competent spaces, trusted guidance and community. Support them in accessing it, early and often.
You’re Not “Broken” You’re Brilliantly Adapted
What we call "trauma responses" are often brilliant acts of survival. But survival isn’t the end goal. Thriving is.
So whether you're the overachiever, the rebel or the silent one, understand that your nervous system did what it had to do. Now, it’s time to lead it back home because healing isn’t just possible, it’s your birthright.
Share in the comments section which coping style did you resonate with and what support would you have wanted back then?
