It Was Not Love.
It Was Adaptation to Dysfunction.
What gets labelled as “toxic patterns” is often something far more complex than poor judgement, weakness or low self-worth.
Increasingly, trauma research, attachment theory and neuroscience point to these behaviours as adaptive responses to unsafe, inconsistent or emotionally unpredictable environments. In other words, the person is not simply choosing dysfunction, their nervous system may have learned that connection must be protected, even when that connection is painful, confusing or costly.
This is why Bessel van der Kolk’s work is so important. In The Body Keeps the Score, he argues that trauma reshapes both the brain and body, affecting a person’s ability to concentrate, remember, trust and feel safe in themselves. He makes the point starkly.
