Insecurity and Jealousy

“Jealous people can be quite mean in an attempt to feel better about themselves, but you do not have to give them that power.” ― Nyki Mack, Author 

Let's Talk Insecurity and Jealousy in Relationships!

Relationship Insecurities 

Jealousy and insecurity in relationships can stem from various underlying causes, both internal and external. One common internal cause is low self-esteem, where individuals may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.

This can lead them to perceive themselves as less desirable or lovable compared to others, triggering feelings of jealousy when their partner interacts with others. Past experiences of rejection, abandonment, or betrayal can also contribute to deep-seated insecurities, making it difficult for individuals to trust their partner and feel secure in the relationship.

External factors such as societal norms, cultural influences and media portrayals of idealised relationships can also play a significant role in creating feelings of jealousy and insecurity.

Societal pressure to conform to unrealistic standards of beauty, attractiveness, or success can magnify feelings of inadequacy. A person may compare themselves unfavourably to others, making them doubt their partner’s fidelity or commitment. In addition, past traumas or unresolved emotional wounds can resurface in intimate relationships, triggering a fear of abandonment or rejection. In some cases, jealousy and insecurity may arise from specific behaviours or actions within the union, such as perceived or actual flirtation with others, secretive communications, or a lack of transparency about past romantic connections.

These behaviours can erode trust and create a sense of uncertainty, prompting individuals to feel threatened or insecure about the stability of the relationship. 

Partners who struggle with jealousy or insecurity issues may exhibit a range of behaviours that reflect their internal struggles and fears.

These behaviours can vary depending on the individual and the specific circumstances of the relationship, but some common examples include: 

Constant Questioning 

They may repeatedly seek reassurance from their partner about their feelings, intentions, or interactions with others. This can manifest as incessant questioning about past relationships, suspicious behaviour, or concerns about potential threats to the relationship. 

Monitoring or surveillance 

They may engage in monitoring their partner’s activities, such as checking their phone or social media accounts, tracking their whereabouts, or asking friends or acquaintances for information about their partner’s behaviour. 

Controlling Behaviour 

They may attempt to control their partner’s actions, friendships, or social interactions in an effort to minimise perceived threats to the relationship. This can include restricting their partner’s contact with certain individuals, monitoring their communication, or attempting to isolate them from friends or family members. 

Accusations and blame 

They may frequently accuse their partner of infidelity or dishonesty, even in the absence of evidence. This can create tension and conflict within the relationship, as the accused partner may feel unfairly targeted and defensive. 

Emotional Outbursts 

They may experience intense emotions such as anger, frustration, or sadness in response to perceived threats or triggers. These emotions can manifest as arguments, tears, or emotional withdrawal, creating a cycle of conflict and tension in the relationship. 

Self-Sabotaging Behaviours 

They may engage in behaviours that undermine the relationship, such as pushing their partner away, testing their loyalty, or seeking validation from others. These behaviours may stem from a fear of intimacy or abandonment, leading to a pattern of self-sabotage in their relationships. 

These types of issues can have significant negative impacts on a relationship, often leading to tension, conflict, and emotional distress for both partners. When one or both partners struggle with these concerns, it can create a toxic dynamic characterised by mistrust, suspicion, and emotional volatility that erodes trust within the relationship.

Constant questioning and monitoring behaviours can create an atmosphere of suspicion and doubt, making it difficult for partners to feel secure and emotionally connected. This lack of trust can lead to feelings of betrayal or resentment. Additionally, jealousy and insecurity issues can contribute to a cycle of conflict and emotional turmoil within the relationship. Partners may find themselves caught in a constant cycle of arguments, accusations, and emotional outbursts as they struggle to navigate the challenges of jealousy and insecurity.

This pattern of conflict can create a toxic environment characterised by stress, anxiety, and emotional distress, ultimately taking a toll on the mental and emotional health of both partners. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can often manifest in controlling behaviours as one person attempts to limit their partner’s interactions with others or dictate their behaviour.

This can lead to feelings of suffocation and resentment in the partner who feels controlled, who may feel constrained regarding their independence. Over time, this imbalance of power can lead to a breakdown in communication and emotional intimacy, further weakening the relationship. 

“The hardest part of being in an emotionally abusive relationship is actually admitting you’re in one.” ― Anna Akana, So Much I Want to Tell You: Letters to My Little Sister 

 Abuse 

Jealousy and insecurity issues can sometimes escalate to the point where they contribute to the development of an abusive relationship dynamic. When one partner’s jealousy or insecurity becomes pervasive and controlling, it can create a power imbalance within the relationship that leads to abusive behaviour.

Jealous and insecure partners may exhibit controlling behaviours as a means of exerting power and dominance over their partner. This can include monitoring their partner’s activities, restricting their interactions with others, and dictating their behaviour. Over time, these controlling behaviours can escalate to more overt forms of abuse, such as emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, or physical violence.

Abusers may also use emotional manipulation tactics to maintain control over their partner. They may use guilt-tripping,

Gaslighting, or other manipulative tactics to undermine their partner’s confidence and self-esteem, making them more dependent on the abusive partner for validation and approval. As the jealous partner’s fears and insecurities intensify, they may become increasingly volatile and prone to emotional outbursts.

This can lead to arguments, verbal abuse, and other forms of emotional aggression, creating a hostile and unpredictable environment for their partner. As tensions escalate and emotions run high, the jealous partner may resort to physical aggression as a means of asserting control or expressing their anger and frustration.

In some cases, jealousy and insecurity issues can result in physical violence within the relationship. This can result in serious harm to the other partner and further perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Overall, jealousy and insecurity issues can contribute to the development of an abusive relationship dynamic characterised by control, manipulation, and violence. 

Conclusion 

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can be complicated emotions that can be influenced by a combination of internal and external factors, past experiences, and relationship dynamics. Addressing these issues requires open and honest communication, building trust, and addressing underlying insecurities through self-reflection and attempts towards personal growth. Therapy or counselling can also be beneficial for individuals and couples seeking to navigate and overcome jealousy and insecurity in their relationships. 

---

Nigel Beckles is a respected author, certified relationship coach, and advocate for emotional wellbeing and recovery from narcissistic abuse. With years of research and personal insight, Nigel has become a trusted voice on topics such as toxic relationships, healing after emotional trauma, and personal transformation. His acclaimed book How to Avoid Making the Big Relationship Mistakes and popular podcast Author Nigel Beckles Podcast have empowered thousands of listeners and readers around the world. Nigel is deeply committed to supporting survivors in reclaiming their lives with clarity, confidence, and purpose.

Join the conversation here!