Behind Closed Doors
- Nigel Beckles
- Apr 21
- 7 min read
“Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.”― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Why Abuser’s Secretly Abuse
Abuse that occurs in secret, especially within romantic relationships, families, or close-knit households, can be deeply insidious. Because the abusive behaviours often unfold behind closed doors or under the guise of love, loyalty, or discipline, they can go unnoticed by outsiders and even by the person being harmed.
Abusive romantic relationships often begin with charm, promises, and affection that can feel intoxicating at first, but eventually the abuse erodes a person’s sense of safety, identity, and self-worth. Because it frequently happens behind closed doors or under layers of manipulation, many people enduring abuse do not immediately realize what is happening to them.
The different types of abuse that may be experienced secretly from a romantic partner, parent, or relative include:
Emotional Abuse
This is one of the most common forms of hidden abuse. It includes constant criticism, humiliation, manipulation, or invalidation of a person’s feelings. The abuser may shame or belittle the other person in private, use sarcasm to undermine their confidence, or make them feel guilty for having needs or boundaries. Emotional abuse erodes self-worth over time and leaves deep psychological wounds without leaving physical scars.
Psychological Abuse
Closely tied to emotional abuse, this involves deliberate tactics to distort someone’s perception of reality or sense of self. This might include Gaslighting (denying or twisting facts to make the person question their memory or sanity), threatening harm, isolating the individual from others, or using intimidation to instil fear. Psychological abuse can be so subtle that the person being harmed doesn’t even realize they are being manipulated until significant damage has been done.
Verbal Abuse
Though words don’t leave bruises, they can leave lasting damage. Verbal abuse includes yelling, name-calling, threats, or passive-aggressive insults designed to dominate or control the person. It’s often dismissed or minimized, especially if the abuser apologizes afterward or claims they were “just joking.”
Financial Abuse
A person may be secretly abused through financial control or exploitation. This might include being denied access to money, having one’s earnings taken away, being prevented from working, or being forced to justify every purchase. In family settings, adult children may be financially exploited by a parent or relative, or a romantic partner may create dependence by controlling every aspect of the household finances.
Sexual Abuse
This form of abuse may occur without overt physical violence, especially in romantic or marital relationships. It includes coercion, manipulation, or pressure to engage in sexual acts without full consent. In familial relationships, it may involve grooming or secrecy combined with threats or shame. Because of the personal and taboo nature of sexual abuse, it is often the most hidden and unspoken.
Physical Abuse
While more visible in theory, physical abuse can still be carried out in ways that leave no visible marks, such as pushing, grabbing, blocking someone’s path, or inflicting harm in places that can be hidden. Many abusers escalate slowly over time, creating a pattern of control and fear while avoiding detection by outsiders.
Neglect or Withholding
Abuse is not always about what is being done but can also be about what is being denied. A parent or partner may withhold affection, attention, support, or even basic necessities like food or medical care as a means of control. This kind of silent treatment can create anxiety, insecurity, and a constant state of emotional deprivation.
Spiritual or Cultural Abuse
In some families or relationships, a person may be shamed, manipulated, or silenced using religious or cultural beliefs. This might involve using faith to justify control, obedience, or silence, or it could mean punishing someone for failing to conform to rigid roles or expectations. Because this abuse is often tied to deeply held beliefs, it can be incredibly confusing and painful to confront.
These forms of abuse, when experienced in secret, are often internalized by the person being harmed. They may begin to believe they are the problem or that what they’re enduring is normal. The secrecy creates shame, isolation, and confusion that can make it incredibly difficult to reach out for help.
Why Abusers Operate in Secret
“There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don’t yearn to reach out, but because they’ve tried and found no one who cares.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, and Grumblings for Every Day of the Year
Image Control
Abusers often present a polished, charismatic, or respectable persona to the outside world. The secrecy allows them to maintain that image while their private actions contradict it entirely.
Avoiding Consequences
Keeping the abuse hidden reduces the risk of legal trouble, social backlash, or losing relationships or professional status.
Maintaining Control
Isolation is a core tactic in abuse. Secrecy enables abusers to control the narrative, silence the target, and limit their access to help or outside validation.
Shame and Denial
Some perpetrators are deeply aware, although they may never admit that their behaviour is unacceptable. Keeping it hidden protects them from confronting their own actions.
Grooming Others
Abusers often manipulate the perceptions of mutual friends, family, or community members so that if the target ever speaks out, they are less likely to be believed.
Why People Often Believe Denials
“The human brain can protect us from seeing and feeling what it believes may be too uncomfortable for us to tolerate. It can lead us to deny, defend, minimise or rationalise away something that doesn’t fit our worldview.”― Bandy X Lee, The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump: 27 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President
They ‘Don’t Seem the Type’
People can find it difficult to reconcile in their thought processes that someone who appears to be friendly, successful, or well-liked could also be abusive in private. There can also be a fear of becoming involved in a situation that can be complicated or difficult.
Cognitive Dissonance
Many of us do not want to believe someone we know or love is capable of abuse because it creates emotional discomfort, so we choose denial instead.
Manipulative Narratives
Abusers are often skilled at twisting stories, playing the victim, or deflecting blame onto the person they’re harming.
Cultural Conditioning
Many cultures have normalized controlling behaviour, especially in family or romantic settings, making red flags easier to dismiss.
“Stand up for yourself. Never give any one permission to abuse you.” ― Lailah Gifty Akita, Author
Recommendations
Trust Your Gut
If someone’s behaviour feels consistently wrong, belittling, or dangerous, it probably is. Mistreatment is not just physical and includes emotional and psychological abuse, which can be even more damaging. Recommendation include:
Document Everything Safely
Keep a private journal, screenshot messages, or take photos of injuries if applicable. This may be crucial if you decide to seek help or legal protection.
Reach Out to a Safe Person
A friend, counsellor, domestic violence hotline, or support group. You don’t have to face this alone. Even just talking helps break the isolation.
Educate Yourself
Learn more about abusive patterns (Gaslighting, Trauma Bonding, etc.) so you can begin untangling the manipulation and reclaiming your clarity.
Create a Safety Plan
If leaving the situation is unsafe right now, prepare gradually. Store emergency money, ID, and essentials somewhere safe. Know where you could go if you need to leave quickly.
Do Not Wait for the Perfect Time
There may never be a moment that feels completely safe or convenient. Your safety and peace are valid reasons to act.
Seek Professional Help
Therapy, especially with someone experienced in abuse recovery, can be a powerful step toward healing. Even one session can offer insight and support.
Understand That You Are Not to Blame
Abuse is a choice made by the abuser. Your responsibility is not to fix them but to take care of yourself.
Closing Thoughts
“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Suffering abuse can be one of the most emotionally conflicting positions a person can find themselves in because loving someone who mistreats, controls, or harms you can be very confusing. The pull between wishing the relationship could be different and what it actually is happening can feel unbearable at times, with many people caught in this type of dynamic struggling with deep feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and confusion.
However, the truth is when someone makes you feel consistently small, unsafe, or afraid, especially behind closed doors, that certainly is not love but abusive control. The more it happens, the harder it can become to see the situation clearly, with abusers often attempting to rewrite history, slowly chipping away at the victim’s confidence, making them second-guess their own instincts, and creating emotional exhaustion.
Abusers frequently work to cut off or discredit support systems, making the person on the receiving end believe no one will believe them. Whether the perpetrator is a parent, sibling, or romantic partner, it can be especially difficult to admit that someone who’s supposed to love you is also the one causing the most pain. Each of us deserves to feel safe and respected in every relationship we are involved with, regardless of the status of the abuser.
Nigel Beckles is a respected author, certified relationship coach, and advocate for emotional wellbeing and recovery from narcissistic abuse. With years of research and personal insight, Nigel has become a trusted voice on topics such as toxic relationships, healing after emotional trauma, and personal transformation. His acclaimed book How to Avoid Making the Big Relationship Mistakes and popular podcast Author Nigel Beckles Podcast have empowered thousands of listeners and readers around the world. Nigel is deeply committed to supporting survivors in reclaiming their lives with clarity, confidence, and purpose.
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