Red Flags

Sonia Brown MBE
Jul 31
4 min read

Ignoring Red Flags Because You Want to See the Good

We’ve all been there. You spot a tiny whisper of trouble, a dismissive remark, a subtle manipulation, but you shut your eyes because you want to believe in the best of someone.

The billboard in your mind reads "Ignoring red flags because you want to see the good in people will cost you later." That sentiment echoes a psychological truth, hearts can blind us to warning signs. In relationships influenced by narcissistic patterns, these small things are often the first tremors, foretelling collapse.

Let’s examine five red flags we tend to excuse and how to confront them using a blend of psychology, neuroscience, philosophy and human behaviour science.

1. Gaslighting & Reality Distortion

Gaslighting is not just lying, it’s a methodical erosion of your trust in your own perceptions. Studies in manipulation identify it as one of the most insidious psychological tactics, meant to foment self-doubt and dependency.

Neuroscience shows that narcissistic individuals often have alterations in brain areas responsible for empathy and self-referential switching, such as the anterior insula and medial prefrontal cortex. These structural differences correlate with diminished capacity to truly understand another's perspective and can manifest as persistent emotional manipulation. Why not....

Write down an incident where you felt your perception was questioned.
Ask yourself “Was I dismissed? Did I doubt myself afterward?”
Reassert your own truth. Say the statement aloud, “My feelings and observations are valid.”

2. Love-Bombing Followed by Devaluation

One moment you are adored. The next, dismissed. Therapists name this rollercoaster “the narcissistic cycle of idealisation and devaluation.”

Cognitive behavioural research calls this intermittent reinforcement, a powerful conditioning dynamic that keeps you hooked through unpredictable rewards.

Philosophically, it's akin to Kant’s warning, treat people as ends in themselves, not as means. This pattern turns you into a prize to be both used and discarded. Why not....

Reflect “When did words of affection shift into coldness?”
Journal that shift. Few words or phrases often mark the turn.
Write a protective affirmation “I deserve consistency, not emotional roulette.”

3. Empathy Deficit

Lack of empathy is a hallmark of narcissistic behaviour, whether grandiose or vulnerable types. Research indicates that individuals with narcissistic traits often struggle to empathise, especially emotionally, even if they show cognitive empathy when instructed.

Essentially, their brain’s wiring limits their capacity to connect with your inner world, not merely by choice, but by structure. While you may yearn for mutual understanding, it's structurally unavailable. Why not....

Note a moment when you suffered and they remained unmoved.
As “Did they offer mutual feeling, or just intellectual acknowledgment?”
Affirm “I need empathy and I will not settle for less.”

4. Control Through Subtle Bullying or Isolation

Narcissists often use indirect behaviours to undermine you, gossip, withholding support, sabotaging work, especially in workplace or social contexts. In relationships, this can manifest as isolating you from friends or family, “quiet bullying” that individualises and weakens your support system.

Behavioural science explains this as a slow tactic of dominance. You lose control over your external world while they secure theirs. Why not....

Observe “Has anyone in your circle expressed concern?”
Envision your network, who’s been pushed away?
Write your intention “I reclaim connection. I will not be isolated.”

5. Ignoring Red Flags Because You Want to See the Good

This may be the most dangerous. Psychology explores why people dismiss early warning signs and it isn’t denial alone. We rationalise, romanticise or hope enough that the evidence bends away. Psychology Today calls it “explaining behaviour to feel okay with it” a relationship red flag masked as loyalty.

The Decision Lab frames this as a behavioural bias. We sift through warnings and classify them as quirks, not concerns. mindset hampers growth and often costs emotional currency later. Why not....

List the red flags you've ignored.
For each “Why did I excuse it? What story did I tell myself?”
Reframe. For each story, write an alternate grounded truth. “He was late, he’s busy.” → “He repeatedly deprioritised me.”

Why This Matters. The Insight of Research

Malcolm Gladwell writes about the “blink”, those small moments that tell a much larger story. With narcissistic partners, the blink is often already corrupted, but small, repeated blinks create the narrative arc.

Academic and clinical research illustrate that narcissistic patterns are not just quirks, they have deep psychosocial and neurological roots. The narcissistic brain shows structural variance, early developmental trauma or overvaluation histories that perpetuate these cycles.

Recognising these red flags isn't a moral failing. It's a reconfiguration of your data-read, rewiring your instinct. You’re not rejecting someone’s humanity, you’re preserving your own.

Summary Table of Red Flags and Exercises

Red Flag	Insight	Self-Exercise
Gaslighting / Reality Distortion	Manipulative erosion of trust in your own perception	Journal incident, affirm your feelings
Love-Bombing then Devaluation	Intermittent reinforcement creates emotional addiction	Identify shift, affirm consistency
Empathy Deficit	Narcissistic empathy impairment often structural	Note lack of emotional resonance, affirm need
Subtle Control & Isolation	Indirect tactics undermine support and autonomy	Reflect on isolation, reassert social connections
Excusing Red Flags	Emotional denial through self-justification hampers clarity	List ignored signs, reframe narratives

The Final Word, Shift the Story, Reclaim Your Power

It is important to understand the little things that signalled the collapse all along.

Recognising red flags isn't about being judgmental, it’s about clarity. It's about preserving your agency and your narrative trajectory.

When you practice these exercises, you're doing more than self-care. You’re retraining your inner radar. You’re moving from being a participant in someone else’s script to reclaiming the author’s pen.

Take heart, breaking the spell doesn’t make you cold, it makes you wise. Let each step be a restoration of your trust in yourself.

If you recognised yourself in any of these red flags, know this, awareness is the first step, but healing requires more than insight. It needs space, guidance and community. That’s exactly why we created Breaking Free: Overcoming Trauma, Narcissistic Abuse & Addictions to Take Back Your Life.

Join us for a full-day online experience where survivors, experts and advocates come together to name the pain, dismantle the patterns and build strategies for lasting change.

This is not just another webinar, it’s a safe, culturally aware and deeply practical space to move from surviving to truly living.

Secure your place now by joining the waiting list and take the next step toward reclaiming the version of you that’s been waiting behind the strength, the mask and the “I’m fine.”

Your healing starts here.